Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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