Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
