My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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