I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
