Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize