I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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