You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
