Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
P.S. I can't hear my feet
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
