so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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