I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
