I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
