I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
