I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Randomize
