And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
