i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
