her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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