Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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