your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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