When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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