I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't deserve a penis
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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