Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
