I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
