tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You left your phone here
Wait...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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