you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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