I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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