I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
