I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
