His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
