Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
