they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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