i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I need to stop coming to work sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
