Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm at about main and main street
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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