Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
