He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize