what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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