just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
