You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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