Welp...herpes.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
