Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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