I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
