Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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