mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
