we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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