You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
