M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
