Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
false alarm. still invincible.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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