I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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