I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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