go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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