Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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