I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
