Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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