Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
