btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
