I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
