I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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