I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
