One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
