I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
