kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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