Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
