I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
